Monday 23 November 2009

From elasticated trousers to elasticated bracelets : one for the Marble Halls of Embarrassment.

I was in Brazil and found myself at a dinner as the No. 2 Guest of Honour. That’s not difficult, you just have to turn up in the company of the No. l G of H. I was happy to find that ten of us were on a round table - don’t start me on that top-table cruel joke where you stare glumly out at all the happy bastards chatting right left and centre and the hapless person each end feels like a pariah. The words coconut and shy come to mind.

What was I saying? Dinner was convivial, slightly hard work, but we were oiling the diplomatic wheels when it all imploded into embarrassment. Why was that? Because my wrists are too damn big aren’t they. My official gift was a beautiful bracelet of semi-precious geological specimens with a gold clasp. I opened the velvet lined box, admired it, oohed and ahhhed, felt sick to my stomach and put it by my wine glass. Phew. But uh oh, out of the corner of my eye, I see one of the wives pull her chair back and advance towards to me. I know what’s coming. I’m thinking ‘Off you fuck darling!’ but she has to wrap the bracelet affectionately round my wrist, it’s obvious. I could have told her it would leave a yawning gap that no amount of pinching the skin above my racing pulse would close.


The room temperature drops ten degrees. Hosts give each other panicky looks and then No. 1 G of H, my very own Sir Galahad, gallops to the rescue. ‘Ah you see, my wife has rather well-developed wrists from windsurfing’. What?? I grew out of my wetsuit in 1990. But I run with the ball. ‘Oh yes, definitely yes, from hanging off the boom. Like this’. To ease the embarrassment that has never quite left me, I thought I would share with you the idea of me in my evening dress from Harrods Fat Girl Department flexing my biceps, wrists clenched doing pull-ups in the air. It was absolutely horrible. Next day I was allowed to go and change the bracelet for an elasticated one. Huh.

All images © Rosie West


15 comments:

  1. Don't be embarrassed Rosie - I think you acted with great courtesy at the event and your Galahad was a true gentleman. (I could hug him for his 'windsurfing wrists' explanation, and your demo had me in fits of laughter. How brave you were!) All quite shaming for the appallingly ignorant and unladylike guest who attempted to show you up. Please don't be worried about elastic bracelets (but yes by the trousers) because though my wrists are slimmish, I suffer from a sort of claustrophobic type condition which means I get panic attacks if rings, bracelets, necklaces can't be undone or removed immediately if I suddenly get the panic feeling. Until recently I couldn't even wear neckscarves for long, but happily for the same unexplicable reason this has lessened to the extent that I can now wear scarves at the neck knotted in any and every combination that Hermes could devise.

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  2. Thank you 'Elegance'. This is all very good therapy! I am so glad you
    knot a scarf at your neck now.

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  3. This one was worth waiting for.
    So kind of you to make us laugh at your own expense!!
    We've all got a place of honor in the Marble Halls of Embarrassment,
    but few of us have the guts to own up to these things.

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  4. TW How kind of you to say so. So relieved I'm not the only one.

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  5. Oh Rose! another- what! didn't you take a picture? just kidding! I lve this story- and tacky woman, I suppose slapping her about the face with your ample wrists swinging and flexing that bracelet about would have started an international incident. too priceless-as are you! lalala

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  6. Brill, Rose, brill! I'm having a wee snort in support of you. Long may you reign! Oh, and by the way, did you stir up your pudding yesterday?

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  7. Thanks for sharing Lady Rose! x

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  8. la la - thanks! To be fair to the poor woman, at least she didn't spot my wrists in advance. She was just being attentive and sweet but I bet she regretted it, as did her friends.

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  9. And thank you too, Blue. Pudding? Oh that! Do you mean the Christmas one I buy from Fortnum & Mason (read Sainsburys). I have little accomplishment (read enthusiasm ) in the direction of cooking. Oh dear.

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  10. Polskey, my lovely daughter, don't breathe a word about any elastic waisted trousers.

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  11. Reminds me of the social X-rays in Bonfire of the Vanities or any of the soul missing mionions in House of Mirth. I am raising a wee glass to you and Mr. Galahad.

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  12. Good move. I wish I had the knack for defusing embarrassing situations, as opposed to creating them. I had an acquaintance who was even worse, but he died in a leisure accident and put me in contention for a black belt in awkward.

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  13. This is priceless! As one who can commiserate, I may borrow your explanation in the future.

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  14. Stop doing this - there is snot drooling down my upper lip and my lungs are hurting with laughter as well as Golden Virginia

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